In his farewell address, Biden took a moment to poke fun at the situation. “You know, if you’d told me last year that an assassination attempt on Trump would make me drop out of the race, I’d have said you were as crazy as a raccoon in a top hat. But here we are. Life’s funny that way.”
In a move that has left many scratching their heads and others chuckling into their morning coffee, President Joe Biden announced he is dropping out of the presidential race after the failed assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Biden, ever the gentleman, has decided to bow out gracefully, stating he sees “no path to victory.” Clearly, Biden’s path to victory was as clear as driving through a foggy marsh at midnight without headlights.
After the botched attempt on Trump’s life, Biden took a long, hard look at his chances. And after much deliberation — or as much deliberation as one can have while being bombarded with internal pressure from an administration that really, really doesn’t want to job-hunt on Indeed — he decided it was time to let go of the reins of power.
“It wasn’t an easy decision,” Biden said, while pouring an extra large cup of decaf. “But when your advisors start slipping their résumés under your door and updating their LinkedIn profiles during cabinet meetings, you get the hint.”
Indeed, the White House has been buzzing with frantic activity. Staff members, who previously never left their offices without a patriotic lapel pin, were spotted with sticky notes on their backs reading “Hire me!” Kamala Harris was seen offering free samples of her famous homemade cookies to potential employers, and Dr. Anthony Fauci is now considering a career in stand-up comedy, because, let’s face it, viruses are less unpredictable than politics. Kamala Harris running as president is an open joke as they prepare to embrace Hillary Clinton to bring the party to the center-left.
Biden’s decision comes as a surprise to many, including his dog, Champ, who was hoping for a quieter retirement in Delaware. Or is he already dead? Anyway “I had a good run,” Biden mused, “but it seems even my supporters want to avoid the hassle of updating their résumés. And let’s be honest, the prospect of mandatory Zoom interviews in sweatpants isn’t appealing to anyone.”
In his farewell address, Biden took a moment to poke fun at the situation. “You know, if you’d told me last year that an assassination attempt on Trump would make me drop out of the race, I’d have said you were as crazy as a raccoon in a top hat. But here we are. Life’s funny that way.”
As Biden rides off into the sunset — or more accurately, into a comfortable armchair with a remote control — the nation waits with bated breath to see what the next chapter of American politics will bring. Perhaps a comedy tour with Fauci in jail? Or a cooking show with Kamala in Mexico? Only time will tell.
For now, the President is content with his decision. “It’s been a wild ride,” he said with a grin. “But at my age, wild rides are best left to the youngsters. I’m off to enjoy a nice, quiet game of bingo.”
And with that, Biden exited the stage, leaving behind a legacy of resilience, humor, and a White House staff frantically searching for their next gig.
